His progress is slow, but it's progress and that's all we can hope for at this point. He knows his name and he recognizes his wife. He knows he's in the hospital but he is not sure where or why. He's not sure of his age or what year it is but I am hoping that will all come back once the blood is re-absorbed and the swelling goes down. At least we are hoping that the swelling subsides on its own so that there is no need for surgery. He is still not out of the woods as far as that's concerned.
I know these are baby steps and may not seem like much to everyone who wasn't there the first 3 or 4 days but they are more than we expected after the last weekend. Please continue to keep Eldridge and our family in your prayers. He still has a long road to recovery and he is going to need all of the strength he can muster. So will his wife (my FABULOUS mother in law).
Thank you so much to everyone for all of your prayers and concern. It means more to us than any of you could ever know.
Until next time...CNS
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
The Power Of Prayer
The phone rang Friday mornng at 6:38am and woke me from a deep state of slumber. I though twice about answering it because I was still in such a sleep haze and then my brain cleared and I realized that in order for anyone to be calling that early there was probably an emergency. It was my sister in law and she was calling to tell us that my husband's father had been seriously injured after he fell and hit his head on a slab of concrete. He was sedated and on a ventilator and had been air lifted to a hospital in Baton Rouge. It was serious and I was filled with panic. How was I going to tell my husband that the father that raised him after his biological father died when he was 2 years old, was now fighting for his life because some punk decided to put his hands on another human being. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't wish it on my worst enemy.
We immediately made arrangements for the kids to stay here with my mom and we threw some clothes in a duffle bag and started the six hour drive to be by his side. The drive seemed to take double the time it actually did and I was scared shitless of what I would see once we got there. Ray's mom never panics. Ever. And I knew that for her to call us and have us take off of work and drop everything to drive there, well, she just wouldn't do that unless the possibilities were as grim as possibiites can get.
We arrived at the hospital around 3pm and we were able to see him for the first time at 5pm. I can honestly say that aside from seeing my newborn son in a similar state, it was one of the most difficult things I have ever encountered. He was so still, so lifeless, so broken. This is a 60 year old man that is so full of life. A retired farmer who can't sit still now that he doesn't have crops to tend to and so he runs around the small town of Jeanerette, La all day every day visiting with old friends and food shopping for his next big meal to cook. I could barely breathe.
I knew it was worse than we could have guessed and I was scared. Scared shitless.
For the next 3 days there was no real change except for they were able to take the ventilator out. But, he still wasn't responding. He has a skull fracture, a sub dural hematoma and a frontal lobe contusion. In other words, he is seriously injured and the future is far more uncertain than we had hoped for.
Ray and I and most of the other siblings left on Sunday because there was nothing that we could do for him and we needed to get home and get the kids. This way, if something changes drastically we can drive back and be there.
Right before we left, the neurologist had come to talk to everyone for the first time and the prognosis wasn't near as positive as we had hoped for. The bleed was quite large, the swelling significant and he wasn't responding at all. They couldn't rule out surgery and surgery meant removing part of the brain which completely devastated us all. We left the hospital feeling so defeated and at least for me, so confused. How did this happen? How could this happen? He was fine just 3 days ago. He didn't DO anything to deserve this! Why? And more importantly how would we go on if God forbid this turned out for the worst? So we did the only thing we could...we prayed.
We got the first bit of positive news last night when Ray's mom called and said that the nurse asked him his name and he replied with his name. She also asked him where he was and he said that he was in the hospital but he didn't know why. This was huge. More than huge, this was amazing. Baby steps...that's all we can hope for. He was even more responsive this morning proving that he knew a few more tidbits of general information. He didn't know how old he was or what year it was, but the doctor said that with the amount of swelling, that is to be expected. So, we hope that the swelling will subside on its own and the blood will be absorbed without him having to have surgery but we won't know for sure for about 7 days.
The point of all of this is that prayer really does work. I've seen it first hand more than once and in more than one crisis. While he is not out of the woods by any mean, I have to believe that his recent positive progress is just the beginning and he will continute to improve hour by hour and day by day. I have to. That's the only way this can play out. We're not ready to lose him yet. We're just not. And so I pray...
Until next time...CNS
We immediately made arrangements for the kids to stay here with my mom and we threw some clothes in a duffle bag and started the six hour drive to be by his side. The drive seemed to take double the time it actually did and I was scared shitless of what I would see once we got there. Ray's mom never panics. Ever. And I knew that for her to call us and have us take off of work and drop everything to drive there, well, she just wouldn't do that unless the possibilities were as grim as possibiites can get.
We arrived at the hospital around 3pm and we were able to see him for the first time at 5pm. I can honestly say that aside from seeing my newborn son in a similar state, it was one of the most difficult things I have ever encountered. He was so still, so lifeless, so broken. This is a 60 year old man that is so full of life. A retired farmer who can't sit still now that he doesn't have crops to tend to and so he runs around the small town of Jeanerette, La all day every day visiting with old friends and food shopping for his next big meal to cook. I could barely breathe.
I knew it was worse than we could have guessed and I was scared. Scared shitless.
For the next 3 days there was no real change except for they were able to take the ventilator out. But, he still wasn't responding. He has a skull fracture, a sub dural hematoma and a frontal lobe contusion. In other words, he is seriously injured and the future is far more uncertain than we had hoped for.
Ray and I and most of the other siblings left on Sunday because there was nothing that we could do for him and we needed to get home and get the kids. This way, if something changes drastically we can drive back and be there.
Right before we left, the neurologist had come to talk to everyone for the first time and the prognosis wasn't near as positive as we had hoped for. The bleed was quite large, the swelling significant and he wasn't responding at all. They couldn't rule out surgery and surgery meant removing part of the brain which completely devastated us all. We left the hospital feeling so defeated and at least for me, so confused. How did this happen? How could this happen? He was fine just 3 days ago. He didn't DO anything to deserve this! Why? And more importantly how would we go on if God forbid this turned out for the worst? So we did the only thing we could...we prayed.
We got the first bit of positive news last night when Ray's mom called and said that the nurse asked him his name and he replied with his name. She also asked him where he was and he said that he was in the hospital but he didn't know why. This was huge. More than huge, this was amazing. Baby steps...that's all we can hope for. He was even more responsive this morning proving that he knew a few more tidbits of general information. He didn't know how old he was or what year it was, but the doctor said that with the amount of swelling, that is to be expected. So, we hope that the swelling will subside on its own and the blood will be absorbed without him having to have surgery but we won't know for sure for about 7 days.
The point of all of this is that prayer really does work. I've seen it first hand more than once and in more than one crisis. While he is not out of the woods by any mean, I have to believe that his recent positive progress is just the beginning and he will continute to improve hour by hour and day by day. I have to. That's the only way this can play out. We're not ready to lose him yet. We're just not. And so I pray...
Until next time...CNS
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Me...
So, I hear they call this a "meme". Writing down a ton of random and useless information about yourself. Here goes my meme:
- I love pickles. Especially with salt on them.
- Speaking of salt, I love it and put it on everything...fruit, veggies, food
- I am completely anal about my hands and feet. They must be manicured at all times.
- I recently discovered that if I stop coloring my hair, I would be completely salt and pepper (which scares the shit out of me).
- I hate driving at night. I really think I have night blindness.
- I am a complete scaredy-cat.
- I am totally in love with both of my children and when I say I could not breath without them, I mean that in the most literal way possible.
- I'm a great cook. Pot roast is my specialty.
- I would rather eat fruit than candy and I don't really care for chocolate. Unless it's mint chocolate, then I'm all about it.
- When I was a kid, I preferred cucumbers to any other snack. To this day, I eat cucumbers for lunch or dinner at least twice a week.
- I like to eat "real" food for breakfast. You know, stew, red beans and rice...etc.
- I have the BEST in laws ever. I really am lucky.
- I had the worst pregnancies you could ever imagine. I wouldn't do it again if you paid me five million dollars.
- I'm totally obsessed and addicted to my Blackberry. I've had one for 7 years; before it was "cool" to have one and I really don't think I could live without it.
- If given the chance, I would personnaly put a bullet in the heads of all people guilty of harming a child.
- I'm a guy's girl. And, I'm not saying that because I am intimidated by other women (which is why a lot of women say this).
- I know just as much, if not more, about football than most men.
- I love T.V. and could not survive without my DVR.
- I could easily be a co-host on The View if given the chance to audition.
- I can drive stick. In fact, only 2 of all of the cars I have driven have been automatic.
- I love the written word. Language Arts. I majored in it in college and scored almost perfect on the verbal section of my SATs. Not bragging, just sayin...
- I have the 2 best best friends in the entire world. That's a fact.
- I'm painfully indecisive but I like making all of the decisions which I'm sure drives my husband insane.
- I'm also a huge procrastinator. I mean, why do today what you can put off until tomorrow, right?
- I have no patience for lazy people. They suck.
- I have a terrible temper. It's one of the things I despise about myself.
- I have strong opinions but I am careful not to force them onto other people. I do not believe in discussing politics or religion at the dinner table.
I could go on, but I am sure this is more than you ever wanted or needed to know about me anyway.
Until next time...CNS
- I love pickles. Especially with salt on them.
- Speaking of salt, I love it and put it on everything...fruit, veggies, food
- I am completely anal about my hands and feet. They must be manicured at all times.
- I recently discovered that if I stop coloring my hair, I would be completely salt and pepper (which scares the shit out of me).
- I hate driving at night. I really think I have night blindness.
- I am a complete scaredy-cat.
- I am totally in love with both of my children and when I say I could not breath without them, I mean that in the most literal way possible.
- I'm a great cook. Pot roast is my specialty.
- I would rather eat fruit than candy and I don't really care for chocolate. Unless it's mint chocolate, then I'm all about it.
- When I was a kid, I preferred cucumbers to any other snack. To this day, I eat cucumbers for lunch or dinner at least twice a week.
- I like to eat "real" food for breakfast. You know, stew, red beans and rice...etc.
- I have the BEST in laws ever. I really am lucky.
- I had the worst pregnancies you could ever imagine. I wouldn't do it again if you paid me five million dollars.
- I'm totally obsessed and addicted to my Blackberry. I've had one for 7 years; before it was "cool" to have one and I really don't think I could live without it.
- If given the chance, I would personnaly put a bullet in the heads of all people guilty of harming a child.
- I'm a guy's girl. And, I'm not saying that because I am intimidated by other women (which is why a lot of women say this).
- I know just as much, if not more, about football than most men.
- I love T.V. and could not survive without my DVR.
- I could easily be a co-host on The View if given the chance to audition.
- I can drive stick. In fact, only 2 of all of the cars I have driven have been automatic.
- I love the written word. Language Arts. I majored in it in college and scored almost perfect on the verbal section of my SATs. Not bragging, just sayin...
- I have the 2 best best friends in the entire world. That's a fact.
- I'm painfully indecisive but I like making all of the decisions which I'm sure drives my husband insane.
- I'm also a huge procrastinator. I mean, why do today what you can put off until tomorrow, right?
- I have no patience for lazy people. They suck.
- I have a terrible temper. It's one of the things I despise about myself.
- I have strong opinions but I am careful not to force them onto other people. I do not believe in discussing politics or religion at the dinner table.
I could go on, but I am sure this is more than you ever wanted or needed to know about me anyway.
Until next time...CNS
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
A Day (Or Weekend) In The Life...
This weekend was a weekend I look forward to all year long. My favorite time of year. Mardi Gras. I love it. I love everything about it. The music, the food, the parades, the king cake...the good times.
The very first year we moved to Texas, we didn't make it home for the parade at Cypremort Point on the Saturday before Mardi Gras. I was so miserable and home sick I swore that I would NEVER miss it again. And, we haven't.
So, I spent all day Thursday washing clothes and all morning Friday packing. Ray got off at 3 and I had my truck all packed and ready to go as soon as he got home. We were off by 4 and things were looking good. We hit a little bit of traffic but made the journey with little trouble.
But...and yes, there is always a but...right after we crossed the state line we got a call from my sister in law saying her husband had gotten the stomach bug she had just gotten over and he got so sick he had to call the ambulance. But, he was fine. They were giving him some much needed fluids and some pain medication for the kidney stone he was also struggling with and then sending him home. My mother in law was at the hospital with them without a car and needed a ride home so we offered to pick her up on our way into town and bring her home. We made sure NOT to go anywhere near the hospital because we didn't want any part of whatever it is they were dealing with. This family has its fair share of viruses and I didn't need another one. We picked her up, went home to where everyone else was awaiting us and settled in to a long night of laughing and catching up with the family we so dearly miss. Around 11:30 that night, my sister in law and her newly released husband came by after the hospital. I had a feeling then it was going to get us somehow. You can't come within 100 yards of my kids with a bug without them getting it. But I prayed and brushed it off, eager for the festivities of the next day.
Saturday came and while it was a bit chilly in the morning, the weather was gorgeous and we headed out to the camp at Cypremort Point for a fun filled day. And fun filled it definitely was. The food was awesome, the music was good and the kids had a freakin' blast. I could not have written the story line better. It was an amazing day. Just as I had pictured it. Memories were made. Did I mention that I LOVE Mardi Gras?
On Sunday my mother in law was kind enough to watch Chloe and Hunter so that Ray and I could make the drive down the bayou to Golden Meadow to visit my grandmother. She is in the final stages of pulmonary fibrosis and I am devastated to lose her. So, I made sure that I went to see her and visit with her and talk about all of the memories we have together. And believe me, there are plenty. She and my grandfather are one of the biggest parts of my childhood. I really don't know what life will look like without her. But, that is another post for another time. Suffice it to say, we had a great visit and I am so thankful that I got to go and spend some one on one time with her before she passes on (man, it hurts just to type that and it took me sitting here staring at the keyboard for no less than 5 mins before I could bring myself to).
We got up early Sunday, packed the car and started our journey home. We are always so sad to leave even if we are ready to get back to our own house. It would be just perfect if that house was home in Louisiana instead of Texas but such is life at the moment. We had a fairly uneventful trip back to Houston and I was ready to unpack, do the laundry and get ready to return to life. The fact that we had been exposed to, but not yet contracted that stomach bug never left the back of my mind. I really thought we had dodged a bullet. I really thought that because the whole house had a pretty nasty stomach virus right before Christmas, we would be spared another. Bahahahahahahahahaha. Yeah, bahahahahahahaha.
Right after baths and right before we laid down for the night, Hunter came to me saying "beddy huwt" (belly hurts) and I immediately knew. That started his cycle of projectile vomiting for the evening. Lovely. He stopped around 1:30am and right when I thought I could close my eyes and get some rest, my poor baby girl started stirring. And like I said before, I knew. She started around 2am and I have never seen her that sick. Not in six years worth of tummy bugs. She didn't stop vomiting until around 8 this morning...which is right about the time Ray began to hurl like no human should ever have to. Needless to say, it has been an extremely long and miserable 18 hours and counting. The kids seem to be on the tail end of it and Ray seems to finally be resting. Oh wait, did I mention that the toilet overflowed in the middle of all of it this morning? I am NOT good with stopped up toilets. Not at all. No, I am not lying. As my best friend pointed out, I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to.
For some reason, I still feel ok and have yet to feel the least bit queasy. I am knocking on tons of wood as I type this. But really, I am just waiting for the other show to drop because the only REAL way for this to play out is for me to get deathly ill as well. I mean that's the way it goes in this family, right?
The thing is, I am exhausted and drained and miserable and annoyed but I am so thankful for the wonderful weekend we had at home with family and friends. If we wouldn't have made it home for Mardi Gras we never would have been blessed with the stomach bug, but we also wouldn't have made another year of Mardi Gras memories we can't ever get back. So, all in all I would say it was completely worth it. However, I have not yet gotten sick. My husband and children may beg to differ.
Until next time...CNS
The very first year we moved to Texas, we didn't make it home for the parade at Cypremort Point on the Saturday before Mardi Gras. I was so miserable and home sick I swore that I would NEVER miss it again. And, we haven't.
So, I spent all day Thursday washing clothes and all morning Friday packing. Ray got off at 3 and I had my truck all packed and ready to go as soon as he got home. We were off by 4 and things were looking good. We hit a little bit of traffic but made the journey with little trouble.
But...and yes, there is always a but...right after we crossed the state line we got a call from my sister in law saying her husband had gotten the stomach bug she had just gotten over and he got so sick he had to call the ambulance. But, he was fine. They were giving him some much needed fluids and some pain medication for the kidney stone he was also struggling with and then sending him home. My mother in law was at the hospital with them without a car and needed a ride home so we offered to pick her up on our way into town and bring her home. We made sure NOT to go anywhere near the hospital because we didn't want any part of whatever it is they were dealing with. This family has its fair share of viruses and I didn't need another one. We picked her up, went home to where everyone else was awaiting us and settled in to a long night of laughing and catching up with the family we so dearly miss. Around 11:30 that night, my sister in law and her newly released husband came by after the hospital. I had a feeling then it was going to get us somehow. You can't come within 100 yards of my kids with a bug without them getting it. But I prayed and brushed it off, eager for the festivities of the next day.
Saturday came and while it was a bit chilly in the morning, the weather was gorgeous and we headed out to the camp at Cypremort Point for a fun filled day. And fun filled it definitely was. The food was awesome, the music was good and the kids had a freakin' blast. I could not have written the story line better. It was an amazing day. Just as I had pictured it. Memories were made. Did I mention that I LOVE Mardi Gras?
On Sunday my mother in law was kind enough to watch Chloe and Hunter so that Ray and I could make the drive down the bayou to Golden Meadow to visit my grandmother. She is in the final stages of pulmonary fibrosis and I am devastated to lose her. So, I made sure that I went to see her and visit with her and talk about all of the memories we have together. And believe me, there are plenty. She and my grandfather are one of the biggest parts of my childhood. I really don't know what life will look like without her. But, that is another post for another time. Suffice it to say, we had a great visit and I am so thankful that I got to go and spend some one on one time with her before she passes on (man, it hurts just to type that and it took me sitting here staring at the keyboard for no less than 5 mins before I could bring myself to).
We got up early Sunday, packed the car and started our journey home. We are always so sad to leave even if we are ready to get back to our own house. It would be just perfect if that house was home in Louisiana instead of Texas but such is life at the moment. We had a fairly uneventful trip back to Houston and I was ready to unpack, do the laundry and get ready to return to life. The fact that we had been exposed to, but not yet contracted that stomach bug never left the back of my mind. I really thought we had dodged a bullet. I really thought that because the whole house had a pretty nasty stomach virus right before Christmas, we would be spared another. Bahahahahahahahahaha. Yeah, bahahahahahahaha.
Right after baths and right before we laid down for the night, Hunter came to me saying "beddy huwt" (belly hurts) and I immediately knew. That started his cycle of projectile vomiting for the evening. Lovely. He stopped around 1:30am and right when I thought I could close my eyes and get some rest, my poor baby girl started stirring. And like I said before, I knew. She started around 2am and I have never seen her that sick. Not in six years worth of tummy bugs. She didn't stop vomiting until around 8 this morning...which is right about the time Ray began to hurl like no human should ever have to. Needless to say, it has been an extremely long and miserable 18 hours and counting. The kids seem to be on the tail end of it and Ray seems to finally be resting. Oh wait, did I mention that the toilet overflowed in the middle of all of it this morning? I am NOT good with stopped up toilets. Not at all. No, I am not lying. As my best friend pointed out, I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to.
For some reason, I still feel ok and have yet to feel the least bit queasy. I am knocking on tons of wood as I type this. But really, I am just waiting for the other show to drop because the only REAL way for this to play out is for me to get deathly ill as well. I mean that's the way it goes in this family, right?
The thing is, I am exhausted and drained and miserable and annoyed but I am so thankful for the wonderful weekend we had at home with family and friends. If we wouldn't have made it home for Mardi Gras we never would have been blessed with the stomach bug, but we also wouldn't have made another year of Mardi Gras memories we can't ever get back. So, all in all I would say it was completely worth it. However, I have not yet gotten sick. My husband and children may beg to differ.
Until next time...CNS
Through her eyes...
"Momma, I don't wanna die. Ever. I really don't because it's too much fun here on earth. I mean, what happens when I do die? Do new kids take over?"
This is a direct quote from my six year old daughter. She is so smart and always trying to "figure" life out. Man, I really wish I could see the world the way she does. Life would be much more pleasant, that's for sure.
This is a direct quote from my six year old daughter. She is so smart and always trying to "figure" life out. Man, I really wish I could see the world the way she does. Life would be much more pleasant, that's for sure.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Decisions, Decisions...
So, I have written time and time again how severely homesick I am. I have said it until I am blue in the face. Until recently, it just didn't seem feasible to try to move home. I mean, I lost my job which is what moved us here to begin with but since that time we purchased our first home and Ray started a new career. So, it isn't as easy as giving 30 days notice and moving home. We have a home to sell. My husband has established a career here that he loves and is damn good at. I was beginning to think that we would be stuck here until retirement. Don't get me wrong, Houston is a great place to live, the problem is my heart isn't here.
But now there is a silver lining. A bright and shiny silver lining! The career my husband is so blessed to have, well you can do it anywhere. In fact, he would probably make more money if we were to move back to Louisiana because there is less competition and he is the absolute BEST at what he does. So we made a decision. A huge one. We are starting our own company. We are going for it. It is scary and exciting all at the same time. We will start slow and I am in the process of creating a website. I will include Louisiana on the website and we will advertise there. That way he can schedule things there all in one week and we can go and then come back and work here until we build a client base that will allow us to move there full time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not naive. I know this will take time. Not just because it will take some time to build the business there, but because in this market I am going to have a really hard time selling my house. But, we are committed and I KNOW we can do it.
That being said...if you need a good garage door installed, repaired, or service than please let me know! He really is the greatest at what he does.
I am so super stoked right now. It will take time but we are on the path home, and it feels so right.
Until next time...CNS
But now there is a silver lining. A bright and shiny silver lining! The career my husband is so blessed to have, well you can do it anywhere. In fact, he would probably make more money if we were to move back to Louisiana because there is less competition and he is the absolute BEST at what he does. So we made a decision. A huge one. We are starting our own company. We are going for it. It is scary and exciting all at the same time. We will start slow and I am in the process of creating a website. I will include Louisiana on the website and we will advertise there. That way he can schedule things there all in one week and we can go and then come back and work here until we build a client base that will allow us to move there full time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not naive. I know this will take time. Not just because it will take some time to build the business there, but because in this market I am going to have a really hard time selling my house. But, we are committed and I KNOW we can do it.
That being said...if you need a good garage door installed, repaired, or service than please let me know! He really is the greatest at what he does.
I am so super stoked right now. It will take time but we are on the path home, and it feels so right.
Until next time...CNS
Monday, November 3, 2008
Motherhood, Decisions, Life...
Wow! What a title right? I mean, that pretty much covers it all, which is what I am feeling right now anyway.
I mean, I guess what I am saying is, I just don't "get" how people do all of the things are are "supposed" to do everyday and make it look so effortless while I am so down in the dumps because it always seems to be a little too much for me.
And boy, does the guilt set in when I say that outloud.
I am blessed, I know this. I have two beautiful children, a supportive husband, and a great job. That being said, that is A LOT of responsibility and some days I feel I am just not up for the task.
How do I do it all and still be me?
How do I do it all right?
Am I totally screwing it all up? Probably.
My oldest daughter, Chloe, she is the love of my life. The apple of my eye. The whole enchilada. You get the picture. Don't get me wrong, I love both of my children the same...but she was my first born and so she is what I experience first. So I don't love her more, just differently. Well, she is having some issues and I don't know how to help her or fix them. It is the most helpless feeling in the world. It feels like no matter how much I try to prove my love to her (I know, that is part of the problem) it just doesn't heal her heart from whatever has scarred it in the first place. I know most of you don't know what is going on, and I don't exactly feel comfortable posting it here, but basically I have to make the decision to medicate or not to medicate. I made that decision and now I don't think it was the right one and I am DEVASTATED. She seems depressed, she seems more moody, she seems worse, and I did that in one stupid mistake.
She will get better, I know, but oh how it hurts my heart and my soul.
And then my precious baby boy...does he really know how much I love him. Is it normal that I leave him with sitters (only family) more easily than I did my daughter? I mean I barely ever leave either one of them, and when I do it is only with family member. But, even still, with my daughter I would agonize for days before I left her for even a few hours. With Hunter, I just drop and go.
It is because I am super busy and now I have two, I know this in my brain. But, oh how the guilt weighs on my heart.\
And then my poor husband, I can't tell you the last time we spent quality time together and I can't tell you the last time I even thought about making that happen. Why? Because I can't even make time to shave my legs half of the time, and so how in the hell am I supposed to have enough of "me" left over for quality time.
To sum it up, not only am I not GREAT at any one of the things I responsible for, it feels like I pretty much SUCK at them all...
And let me tell you...that isn't a good feeling to live with day in and day out.
How do you do it all? Am I just flubbing it all up out of stupidity or what? How do I get past all of this icky feelings and get back to where I once was? That, my fiends, is the million dollar question.
Sorry to be so depressing today, but really, that's all I have left in me.
Until next time...CNS
I mean, I guess what I am saying is, I just don't "get" how people do all of the things are are "supposed" to do everyday and make it look so effortless while I am so down in the dumps because it always seems to be a little too much for me.
And boy, does the guilt set in when I say that outloud.
I am blessed, I know this. I have two beautiful children, a supportive husband, and a great job. That being said, that is A LOT of responsibility and some days I feel I am just not up for the task.
How do I do it all and still be me?
How do I do it all right?
Am I totally screwing it all up? Probably.
My oldest daughter, Chloe, she is the love of my life. The apple of my eye. The whole enchilada. You get the picture. Don't get me wrong, I love both of my children the same...but she was my first born and so she is what I experience first. So I don't love her more, just differently. Well, she is having some issues and I don't know how to help her or fix them. It is the most helpless feeling in the world. It feels like no matter how much I try to prove my love to her (I know, that is part of the problem) it just doesn't heal her heart from whatever has scarred it in the first place. I know most of you don't know what is going on, and I don't exactly feel comfortable posting it here, but basically I have to make the decision to medicate or not to medicate. I made that decision and now I don't think it was the right one and I am DEVASTATED. She seems depressed, she seems more moody, she seems worse, and I did that in one stupid mistake.
She will get better, I know, but oh how it hurts my heart and my soul.
And then my precious baby boy...does he really know how much I love him. Is it normal that I leave him with sitters (only family) more easily than I did my daughter? I mean I barely ever leave either one of them, and when I do it is only with family member. But, even still, with my daughter I would agonize for days before I left her for even a few hours. With Hunter, I just drop and go.
It is because I am super busy and now I have two, I know this in my brain. But, oh how the guilt weighs on my heart.\
And then my poor husband, I can't tell you the last time we spent quality time together and I can't tell you the last time I even thought about making that happen. Why? Because I can't even make time to shave my legs half of the time, and so how in the hell am I supposed to have enough of "me" left over for quality time.
To sum it up, not only am I not GREAT at any one of the things I responsible for, it feels like I pretty much SUCK at them all...
And let me tell you...that isn't a good feeling to live with day in and day out.
How do you do it all? Am I just flubbing it all up out of stupidity or what? How do I get past all of this icky feelings and get back to where I once was? That, my fiends, is the million dollar question.
Sorry to be so depressing today, but really, that's all I have left in me.
Until next time...CNS
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