Wow! What a title right? I mean, that pretty much covers it all, which is what I am feeling right now anyway.
I mean, I guess what I am saying is, I just don't "get" how people do all of the things are are "supposed" to do everyday and make it look so effortless while I am so down in the dumps because it always seems to be a little too much for me.
And boy, does the guilt set in when I say that outloud.
I am blessed, I know this. I have two beautiful children, a supportive husband, and a great job. That being said, that is A LOT of responsibility and some days I feel I am just not up for the task.
How do I do it all and still be me?
How do I do it all right?
Am I totally screwing it all up? Probably.
My oldest daughter, Chloe, she is the love of my life. The apple of my eye. The whole enchilada. You get the picture. Don't get me wrong, I love both of my children the same...but she was my first born and so she is what I experience first. So I don't love her more, just differently. Well, she is having some issues and I don't know how to help her or fix them. It is the most helpless feeling in the world. It feels like no matter how much I try to prove my love to her (I know, that is part of the problem) it just doesn't heal her heart from whatever has scarred it in the first place. I know most of you don't know what is going on, and I don't exactly feel comfortable posting it here, but basically I have to make the decision to medicate or not to medicate. I made that decision and now I don't think it was the right one and I am DEVASTATED. She seems depressed, she seems more moody, she seems worse, and I did that in one stupid mistake.
She will get better, I know, but oh how it hurts my heart and my soul.
And then my precious baby boy...does he really know how much I love him. Is it normal that I leave him with sitters (only family) more easily than I did my daughter? I mean I barely ever leave either one of them, and when I do it is only with family member. But, even still, with my daughter I would agonize for days before I left her for even a few hours. With Hunter, I just drop and go.
It is because I am super busy and now I have two, I know this in my brain. But, oh how the guilt weighs on my heart.\
And then my poor husband, I can't tell you the last time we spent quality time together and I can't tell you the last time I even thought about making that happen. Why? Because I can't even make time to shave my legs half of the time, and so how in the hell am I supposed to have enough of "me" left over for quality time.
To sum it up, not only am I not GREAT at any one of the things I responsible for, it feels like I pretty much SUCK at them all...
And let me tell you...that isn't a good feeling to live with day in and day out.
How do you do it all? Am I just flubbing it all up out of stupidity or what? How do I get past all of this icky feelings and get back to where I once was? That, my fiends, is the million dollar question.
Sorry to be so depressing today, but really, that's all I have left in me.
Until next time...CNS
Big Boo Cast: Episode 421
3 days ago
3 comments:
Carly,
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Motherhood is very taxing. You've got to cut yourself some slack though. Y'all have been through so much the past few months. So give yourself some grace. I bet you're doing better than you think. That's usually the case. :)
And I'm sure both of your children know how much you love them. As far as leaving Hunter so much easier goes, I don't think you should allow yourself to feel guilty for that. There's nothing wrong with that. Personally, I think as Moms we tend to be hyper-vigilant the first time around and then loosen up (as we should) as more kids come along. It is GOOD to have time away from the kids!
It seems like you're believing some lies about yourself as a mother, and I think you give yourself more grace. It will NOT make you a bad mother. :)
I feel for you. I know that being the Mama is hard!! You're not alone. It's a common struggle. Just wanted you to know that.
Thank you, Jodie. Really, thank you. I needed to hear that, and especially from a mother of THREE! Who am I to be complaining. But again, Thank you!
:) I wouldn't call what you were doing complaining. Even ONE child can be very difficult... it all depends on the child and your other circumstances. I can't think of anything harder than parenting. Really. God uses our kids to show us what we really are, and I feel like He uses mine like tiny jackhammers to bust up my selfishness. For a season, so much of our life revolves around them. But don't feel guilty for leaving them with a sitter so that you can be with Ray. They need that more than they need more time with you.
Anyway, I hope you're feeling better... sounds like you are since you read your friends' words. I'm glad you have her. Friends are gold. :)
Have a happy day! xo
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